Confused but Committed.

Jesus….That has literally been my prayer these last couple of days. Just His name because His name is all I can mutter (through the endless tears that I didn’t think one person could produce) at this point, and if I am being honest, that is the most powerful thing you can say.

Jesus, I am confused, but I am undoubtedly 100% committed to you in this confusion.

Here I am sitting on our front porch writing this and listening to the rain with thoughts ranging from “if this rain doesn’t stop soon, I am going to have to google how to build an ark.”, and “God, what are you doing right now? I don’t understand.” If we are being honest I am to the point where I don’t think I have any energy to ask anymore…today, tomorrow and the days to come.

I have sat in situations. I have sat in seasons that have made zero sense in my human mind. Heartbreaks that came out of left field. Prayers that went silent when I needed something so desperately…a glimpse of clarity. My prayers have turned into tears. Do you still hear them? Do you still hear the silent prayers? Do you feel the heaviness of those tears when they crash on the ground? Father, I am confused and broken. Personally, I struggle with riding the line of feeling betrayed by my Father, but the crazy thing is? I somehow still trust Him.

How do we still love someone who confuses you?

Peter didn’t get it either, but he stayed. I even feel like Peter was in a state of denial at some points but again, he still stayed. He remained faithful through the fog to God because our God never fails.

I was searching for a bible verse about never doubting God or something like that, but that’s not the reality of this thing we call life. That’s when I remembered Peter. He was one of Jesus’ main guys, and he rode the struggle bus like you and I do now. He was with Jesus during his time on this giant rock we live on, and still had doubts. Why? Because we are human. It’s okay to doubt, but don’t let that doubt fester inside you. Don’t hold that in thinking you are a bad person. Speak it out. Speak out about your fears. We speak out praises; why can’t we speak out about our problems? Because it’s been drilled into our heads that we should stay silent or in our doubts and fears that we don’t love Jesus, and that is so far from the truth. If I am being frank here..I think we actually discredit God when we hold back our fears. God created feelings, which means He wants to hear them ALL. Good, bad, the ugly, and everything in between. He wants to know. Why would He create feelings if He didn’t want to hear them?

Back to Peter…Peter had doubts. In Matthew 14:28, I feel like Peter was trying to prove a point that Jesus could do anything, including having a man walk on water to Jesus. Peter had faith that Jesus was going to let him walk on water, but because he is human, as he started walking to Jesus, he became afraid and started doubting…when he started doubting, he began sinking into the water, overtaken by the ocean waves. Even in his doubts, he knew he could call out to his friend…Jesus. “Lord, save me.” And you know what Jesus did? He reached out his hand. He didn’t make Peter start walking on water again instead, He reached out his hand, giving Peter the option to grab it or continue to sink into the depths of the ocean. Peter grabbed Jesus’s hand and was pulled to safety. Jesus asked Why did you doubt? I don’t feel like he was asking in a belittling way, but in a way that a parent talks to a child saying “You can trust your mommy or daddy.” those two statements while they sound different I think we have a case of saying that they have the same meaning in this situation. Jesus isn’t asking about doubt. Jesus is saying you can trust me. Maybe I am off on this and reading something that isn’t there. I am no Biblical scholar or have any college education on interpreting the word of God, but I do have the Holy Spirit in me, and I feel like when I was reading this passage this morning, that is what God wanted me to hear.

Matthew 14:22-33 ESV

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately, he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night, he came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Peter was confused but remained committed to Jesus in a terrifying moment.

So, back to my question: How do we love someone who confuses us?

I am still trying to figure out this question, but right now my answer to this is because even when I don’t understand Him, I still know Him.

I know Him. He is the God who holds me in the anxitey attacks. He is the God who sent a friend to me to literally wipe my tears in the hardest moments. He is the God who blessed me with the a man who loves me even in the hardest times. He is God. I know He will always have my back even in my confusion. That is why I will always remain committed to Him.

I know the Holy Spirit who has sat right beside me when my prayers are silent and the tears are heavy.

I know the Jesus who was with me when my faith was just a little flicker in the wind, trying to make a flame.

I don’t have all the answers to why we are confused. Why is there so much sorrow and sadness in some of these seasons?

I don’t have peace all the time.

BUT I have lived through so much grace to pretend it’s not there or that He’s not real. He is. He is my friend. He is my strength. He is with me in this stormy season.

So no- I don’t get God sometimes…a lot of times, but I am not going anywhere. I’ll keep asking the hard questions through the tears. I will keep voicing my frustrations. I will keep showing up because He always shows up for me. He is never too busy for His child. He will never say, “I will come out to play with you after this phone call.” Or “Sorry, kiddo, I am too busy to listen to how your day at school went, right now.” JESUS SHOWS UP. Jesus is never too busy for us.

I will keep showing up with my confusion at the feet of Jesus because I know even in my confusion, in my heartbreak, I am still His.

Faith isn’t about having it all figured out- thank you Jesus for that. Sometimes it just showing up even when our mind has 20 million questions and is so foggy that you can’t see 6 feet in front you. Faith is showing up and saying “Jesus I am still yours.”

In my confusion I am still committed to you, Lord. Today. Tomorrow. Forever, I am yours.