God it’s me again…Pretending to know what I am reading.

Do you remember when you first opened your Bible? You were most likely so ready to jump in and take on the word of God. You read Genesis 1:1 and overconfidently said, “Oh, I got this!” How far did you make it after that without having to go back and read it 27 million times, and you still have no idea what you read? It didn’t take long for me to do that. If we are being honest, that’s why I stopped reading the Bible as a whole. I didn’t think I was smart enough for it and just gave up. Sound familiar? You are not alone, my friend.

In the past 5 years or so, I really started to find myself through my Faith. Who truly am I in God’s eyes? What is my purpose? I struggled with these questions, and it’s because I was trying to figure it out without reading His word. After all, I didn’t feel qualified. I thought I should be in some Christian College setting to be able to read and process the word. That was sooooo far from the truth.

I looked at the Bible like it was a Math book that I never wanted to open because I wasn’t smart enough to figure out the equations God was creating to figure out this thing called life.

I never wanted to bring my Bible to church because when the minister said to open your bibles to the book of whatever we were studying that day everyone around me knew exactly where that book was and I was stuck in the table of contents trying to figure out where in the world I was supposed to be.

I was always intimidated to talk about Bible verses because people around me could throw out verses for anything going on in their day-to-day life, and I was over in the corner trying to figure out how to pronounce “Deuteronomy”. I attempted to read Leviticus. Ha. I opened it, blinked a couple of times, and nonchalantly closed it like I just read some type of ancient grocery list. What. Did. I. Just. Read?

So, in short, yeah, I didn’t feel qualified to read the Bible. I wasn’t Holy enough. For sure not smart enough to understand it. I was simply not Christian-y enough to open God’s word.

Lately, I have been trying so hard to get back into reading and learning. I have vented my frustrations to my mentor, saying that I just don’t get it. I feel horrible for asking question after question after question, trying to just understand what I am reading. I have started reading the New Testament because the Old Testament was confusing, so I put a bookmark in that and told myself we would come back to that later. But here I was again getting frustrated and overwhelmed, and it hit me…The Bible wasn’t written for scholars. Yeah, scholars have taken it and run with it, they have devoted their lives to it and gone through it with a fine-tooth comb, but the Bible…the word of God…it was written for those who are seeking Him. The Bible was written for the seekers, not just the scholars.

Now I will totally give the scholars the King James Version of the Bible. King James and I are not on speaking terms, and that is completely okay.

I have had to unlearn the lie (where do lies come from? The enemy) that I need to understand all of it before I even begin. Understanding the word comes with growing my relationship with God. It’s growing pains, but you are still growing. But if I allow my fear of opening the Bible to consume me, then I can’t have a true relationship with God. You can’t have a relationship when there is no communication, and that book that you are staring at right now is your direct line to God.

Some might disagree with me on this, but I feel like even Jesus’s closest friends looked at him sideways when He was speaking directly to them. Like, if they had Google, they would have totally used it. If the disciples were confused about things, then I need to cut myself some slack, and you do too.

So- I read it slowly, I reread it, I ask questions, and my Bible has so many notes to the side, highlighting words I don’t understand or that stick out to me. I have Google at the ready and snacks by my side because you know what? Snacks and Google can really make a girl feel a little better when she is overwhelmed and reading her Bible at 4 am when everyone else is asleep. Now my mentor wakes up to 40 million questions. Thank goodness she loves me and encourages me to ask questions, also for the notes section on my phone that I can share with her, so I am not sending her all those questions via text.

When I open my Bible, I read it with God and not for Him. I ask the Holy Spirit to come pull up a chair because I have some questions and need Him to explain it to me…not what is on the pages in black and white, but explain it to me in the way God wants me to hear and receive it. I allow myself to wrestle with some of these verses. I am attempting to let myself cry when it hits me in the feels. I trust that the stuff I have questions about will eventually make sense, but in the time that it needs to happen, not when I want it to, but when God needs it to.

The Bible isn’t just a study guide that will come with an exam after you finish it. The Bible is a conversation waiting to be had between you and the Father.

If you are scared to read it because you feel like you’re back in high school or college and you don’t feel like you’re smart enough to even open to page one, I get it. I’ve been there. I am there. I will continue to be there most days because we are human, BUT when we start to feel that way, maybe we can just say together, “Hi God. It’s me again. I want to know you, I want to hear you. Father, help me understand what I am reading.” God shows up. That prayer isn’t a sign of weakness. Honestly, I feel like that is exactly what God is waiting for.

I have been told (many times) you can’t expect a toddler to walk perfectly the first time they try it. There is a process- it’s just like that when it comes to reading your bible and understanding.

Open your Bible. Find people you can trust who will help guide you in this journey.

If you only get one thing out of reading this blog, please let it be this: Grace. Give yourself Grace.

At the end of the day, God isn’t waiting for you to impress Him or your friends. He is waiting for you to show up, Bible in your hands and questions at the ready.