Torn between the kiss and the cross

I know my blogs typically have a quirky viewpoint and have some humor, but man..this topic. This topic has been weighing heavily on my heart for the past couple of weeks. Now, before you say I am being too hard on myself or this is a little out there even for me, hear me out. Hear my heart. Hear what Jesus and I have been walking and talking about.

Judas didn’t look like the villain we see in movies. Neither do I but here I am…I am not different even though I wish I could be. Jesus is truly my role model but I am out here with actions that scream Judas energy.

Here is the raw truth- sometimes I feel like this guy named Judas. Not because I am betraying someone for profit, but I catch myself doubting, messing up, or even isolating when the world becomes a little too much for me to handle. I want to love like Jesus, but I feel like I am stuck being like Judas. Judas walked with Jesus, he watched Jesus do amazing things, but then made the choice. He made the worst choice. That is some heaviness right there.

I want to be like Jesus- to be kind, to be patient, to love no matter but sometimes I find myself rolling my eyes at the inconvenience of life. I might check out if it seems like too big of cost. But most of all, I choose control over surrender…ooof. I so badly want to be like Jesus, but my patience is lacking. Jesus fed what, like 5,000 people, and I want to hide under a rock with one group chat. Jesus LITERALLY forgave the people who crucified him, but I tend to hold grudges when someone talks badly about me behind my back.

The question I am seriously struggling with: Am I actually following Jesus, or am I just standing close enough to Him to look like I am? Proximity doesn’t (almost always) equal intimacy. Turns out I can sit in church, attempt to read scripture (refer to my other blog about having no idea what I am reading), and even…even write this blog while I am still struggling with pieces of my heart that don’t look like Jesus. Instead, it’s Judas in the mirror.

BRB..going to go throw up from that gut punch.

So what keeps me going?

The truth. What keeps me going is the truth that is shown over and over again in the Bible. Straight from Jesus himself.

Jesus knew. He KNEW what Judas would do at the end. Jesus still called him friend in the garden. He still said come sit with me at the table.

I am falling short. I don’t deserve to sit at that table with Jesus. I am having Judas moments, and Jesus keeps offering me bread.

He keeps giving me grace.

So if you are feeling stuck between Judas and Jesus know you are not alone in this. I am going to go all Bumper sticker theological for a moment: Grace isn’t just for the saints; its for the sinners too.

Also, loving like Jesus doesn’t mean perfection. It means showing up again and again and again, knowing you fall short, but your heart still wants to try again. Falling short doesn’t have to equal running away, even though we so desperately want to.

I don’t want my story to end like Judas, though. Judas let his shame eat him alive. He didn’t give Jesus time to say I forgive you. He let his failure be the end of his chapter. If I am not careful, I will too. It’s easy to let shame and guilt consume us from the inside out. It’s easier to believe I am so far gone and that I am a horrible person than to allow myself to sit in the truth that Jesus died for me. It’s easier for me to sit in my guilt than allow Grace to fill me again. Why? Because I am human.

I am human, and my human mind can’t understand that Jesus died for me because He loves me, and that even includes my Judas moments. He didn’t die, so I could stay stuck in my shame and regret. He died so I could have a comeback story. So here I am…trying to have a comeback story not because I deserve to but because Jesus loves me so much He literally died so I could.

I am not leaving the table. I am not leaving the world. I know I don’t always look like Jesus but I will keep showing up the to the table and Jesus (thank you) will continue to pull out a chair.

Jesus didn’t die for just the faithful. He died for the failures and doubts too. For Peter, who denied Him. Mary and Martha who had doubts that Jesus could raise Lazarus from the dead. For Judas who betrayed Him that led to His arrest and crucifixtion. He also died for the person reading this blog.

We will continue to have Judas moments (welcome to being a human in a fallen world. No one is immune from sin), but Jesus will continue to remind us we were worth dying for.